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[March 15th, 2005
7:08pm] |
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sleepy
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| hay |
[January 22nd, 2005
1:32am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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So I have had some self realization… all from the words of a dear friend “ why do you need to be set up with some one” …. I thought about this more and more…. Coming to the terms that I use men for self gratification. I use them to be happy, when I should just be happy with out them I feel that there my missing picture and if I have one they will fix everything the world. That was me a bit naive I guess but also the same time not able to accept the fact that I’ve not made my self happy with out needing something else…. A man. There is no real need for me to need a man. What good comes from it? A broken heart, one more phone call not returned… and than just of many awkward situations.
So this is what’s going on with me now! I’m trying to find a scene of self with out needing a man and its really hard, as I found tonight some what jealous of other’s because I’ve put on a few pounds… and don’t have that strive for life that others have so securely. I’m going to find that! I’m just sick of being disappointed with men. I’m sad, broken, but at the same time if you put me in a small social situation I do just fine. But at parties with all these people who are men and attractive girls I just want to hide away in a corner because I get a boggled emotions setting of in my mind. Not to mention if there’s a guy there whom I may have h/u with and some how it just fizzled out with out me having any say in it… just that awkward feeling. Annoyance comes over me and I just want to shut off. I’m so frustrated. The situations I make my self always seem to be the same but its not all my self I have some help with the man the other party. So while looking for this solid structure in a man I’m looking for a feather in the wind nothing solid and than I get hurt.
I no longer will go to men, because if they really want me they can come to me, or if it’s meant to be it will happen. But I’m not going to look and for now I’m just going to work on my self something I’ve been putting off for my teenage year’s. it’s time. I’m done. No more!
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[January 4th, 2005
12:14am] |
its been a lil wile scince i wrote. im at home now.... and have been doing alot of thinking. gathering my thoughts if you will. im still awating that gyue to persue me althow i have a fue suters. ill fid out wich one really wants me and wich is in it for the chase.
its interesting when you have so much time to your self to do nothing you can really see whats what. putting my life back into perspective. but i still im so very confused. i dont know if i will ever really know my way. buit thats the exciting part of life right? it giving you obsticals and seeing where it takes you! have fun! you only live once let free... you must live for your self not others. but if its living for others that makes you happey than do so ... just do what makes you happy... and healthy... and all you want to be!waching the last lord of the rings tmarrow a daly thing .....
all 4 hours fun fun fun!!!! nighty
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[December 12th, 2004
7:49pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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Sometimes I’m just in no clue at all about life. What seems like a normal thing can be hardest thing in the world while the hardest thing in the world can come so naturally. For the longest time I thought it was just me, only to find out that there is no person this has not happened to. The whole world is upside-down and its normal. Once you think you figured it out, it gets turned upside-down inside out. I should be writing a paper, but I’m tired I’ll do it later. Why is it when you’re ahead of the game you can feel so behind?
The other day I was informed about a suicide that happened to a 16 year old kid, he was friends of many, and will be missed. Although I did not know this kid, I still felt his effects. I image the school halls completely silent and my friend having to leave school early because it was to much to bare. And in that silence you would think there would be an answer to the question everyone is repeating to their inner selves, WHY?
No one will know, that is what he took with him.
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[December 3rd, 2004
6:11pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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| How to make a cara122 |
Ingredients:
5 parts anger
3 parts brilliance
5 parts leadership |
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little caring if desired! |
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[December 3rd, 2004
5:58pm] |
sexy
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[November 29th, 2004
4:02pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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“I wake up it’s in my every in my day routine working hard and feeling sary for my self.
And after lunch I close my eyes and wish to god that I could change, but when I wake up I’m still very much my self.
And I’m a long way from believing. that I’m gana be ok , I’m such a such a long way from believing, that I escape this feeling that I hate
It’s a merical that we are here today with all the things we put our selves thru over nothing, and if you thank god it will be ok and you’ll keep holding on to some one you’ll keep holding on to someone
I wake up its in my everyday routine wondering what in the world I’m gana do. Cause things are falling into place but I can not appreciate them because if last time fell apart and this might to”
By Unsung Zero
this song has so many tru things to my life in it
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[November 27th, 2004
8:29pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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This past holiday week was one of interesting self realization, and truth. With such time apart from my friends, once I saw them of not saw them; brought me to grate truth to see who is really who and what a true friend is. In the beginning I once thought i should not burden my friends with my pain and my thought of life, I didn’t want to bring anyone down; especially now when for some people things are the best they have ever been for them. But one of my closest friends brought it to my attention that friends are there because people need people. They are there to lessen when you need it and for you to lessen to them when they need it. Slowly people began to show there true colors when they left for collage and it was at this point in my life I began to see who they tritely are to me and who i am to them. Now realizing that I am only a source of outlet for outers and when it comes for me needing them there not there, even if I am in the room with them talking to them they weren’t lessening. Even if they where to read this I bet they wouldn’t even know that it was them. Well people change; not for the better and not for the worse just change. I truly see who matters to me because a being friends should never be a one way street!
My stomach is in knots, head is aching and I am tired of stretching out my limbs to others. Now to realize they haven’t any concern for me.
I will leave you with my new picture only one face not two.
But on new note I’ve been trying to reunite some lost friends from camp. I will hopefully be working there this summer and hope to reunite friendships maybe others have not lasted but there in my path and i can not let them pass with out seeing what they have to offer and I have to contribute to there life's......
This is me always thinking never stopping.... I wish I could
"Ivory minds bleed.... instincts are misleading you shouldn’t think what you’re feeling they don’t tell you what you know you should want..... Ivory minds lead"
“ this is the moment that you know that you told her that you told her but you don’t you touch her skin and than you think that she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me…… she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me, I wanted to believe all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark……… all I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving loser every hour so when you ask is something wrong I think your dame right there is but we cant talk about it now…. So one last time and than well go and well pretend that it meant something so much more but it was vile and it was cheep and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me….”
by Death Cab For Cuty
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[November 22nd, 2004
8:10pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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I want to run away from life.
But I’m determined to put mine back together again
I want things to turn out right for once. It seams as though I only have one or the other never both if I get something right ill get the other wrong!
FRUSTRATION, struggling it is something that seems to be apart of my life everyone wants it all. I want more… I want the universe and I have to find some one to help me get it. I wish I could say I’m one of those strong determent few that could do it single handed but that’s something I can’t do. I have overcome obstacles but none like this. Beating my self I’m in a competition between my heart and my head but I cant figure out which is which. I’m been pulled into millions of pieces and I’m on a quest to put them back together now! No more walking over the mess of my life this puzzle must be solved!!!!
I’m not going to let that invisible hand strangle me……
ANGRY times, watch out
I’m determined to prove them all wrong, as I did in that past!!!! It will be done once again!
gtg work as always ;)
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[November 12th, 2004
12:48pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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this is me procrastinating: well kinda im on my lunch brake and im wating for the plaster to dry wich wont be for a wile sooo .... ill do this first things first completly random things::::::
i was talking to some people today and we were discussing the futer like how you want things to end up ... so this is what i want: i hope to become a somewhat sussesfull intereor desighner and than if i get bord swich over to being a teacher because i think its importand to encurage our chuldren hopfully ill be as good as my teacher ms D was she really inspires everyone ... and than that will give me time for my chuldren i hope to have 4 2 or 3 of my own and 1 or 2 addopted ...... i havent decided where a husband fits in but i have a wayyyyyyyy long time for that bshhhh no need to think abything about that for ages ...
lets see what else ahh yes im going up to U MASS this weekend im going to see my bro and his g/f amy along with adrianna!!! im sooo excited to get away its funnie thow im leveing as tings are tarting to go good for me hu haw do you like that?
it will be nice to have a change of atmospher ... althow im a lil worid about my papaer there will be some long nights next weel maby even an wate for it ALL NIGHTER most outher none art studants dont know of this but i know it kinda well i have yet to pull one because im very good with managing my time for the most part but next week is going to be hectic i have lo of projecsts due and a 4 page art history paper on top of it and there alll welll extremly time consuming .... i neeed lot of time for all of it .....
im awating thanxgiving i cant wate to see my lil sis as anoying as she can be i miss her andd i miss my momies food yummie and i cant wate to see and cindy and everyone !!!!! ill probubly be going home tus b/c my dwr teach cancled his class yeah!! nice!! ;) and than after that ill be going up to west chester to visit my men ..... im hoping that will be anouther memrabul time just as my last trip there was and all of them for that matter hehehehhee
still no men here at pratt... as always lonly wanting for someone to sweep me off my feet ..... there is this one gye who i like but hes not here so ... yeah....
i wached bridget johns diary's last night
syyyyy i love that movie i whish things really end up all happy like that i guess i have my hole life for that but ... still ya know
i know it word for word im such a dork hahahaha .... britt was waching it with us me and ellie that is... and than i tryed to get to sleep afterwords but you know me it takes like 2 hours to fall asleep i keep on thinking and imajining such things hapening to be the fairytall
:( ........ althow it wont ever happen its nice to dream ! so i ended up falling asleep round like 230 ish its the pritty standerd time for me now weird hu ? i mean im once went to bed at like 10 every ngiht that was last year seems so far away
i should go to class bye gyes
o yeah a BEN KWeller is the best mussican ever!!!!
sooo much talent indy ... rock and role baby
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[November 3rd, 2004
1:26am] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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haya ...... nothing really going on. i went to the holoween parade. the one in the village walked in it, it was soooo much fun! ausom sight to see... like madegra!!!! ohhhh babay lol .... anyways i should go back to work... than try sleep nighty ;)
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[October 25th, 2004
4:55am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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cant sleep its 5:00 in the morning whats rong with me ahhh
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[October 23rd, 2004
11:59pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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The salty sparkle seems to be the only release
Swimming under the covers I find piece,
Dark and alone
In the gray,
No color for me always feeling empty
I could be bleeding
See nothing so unsatisfied a
Only very few times am I satisfied
Will that feeling stay?
Always so alone feeling
As to be seen and not herd
Unspoken to all, but a few.
They will never understand the complete hole
Undiscovered
Undefined
I’m wild child?
Alone in the world
Hiding in the forest of emotions
Wanting to be herd
Afraid to speak
Try only to reach undefined sounds
The cycle has begun
Quicksand has reached my eyes
Blinding sight
Head is full of sand
The time keeper
Turn me over and ill start again
I always do
No longer a child
Don’t decide my life for me
Stop
Lessen
That’s all I want
To be herd
No longer am a child I
Start over
Read again
But here me
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[October 22nd, 2004
12:44pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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i'm sitting here like a child who fell of a bike waiting for someone to clean her wounds and picker up again. ill get back on but i need some encouraging.
who will be my prince in shining armor?
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[October 17th, 2004
7:56pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
] |
Love is truly something you make happen. if you want it bad enough you can make your self in love. Or at lest give your self the believe that your in love. It is interesting how things just are; you start longing for something soo much and you know you will never be able to have it. Maybe one way lone is there as a self defense mechanism; it allows you to want some specific person and long for them, rejoicing in there memory, and at the same time you are protecting your self from getting to close to any one who you may be seeing, dating, ect... You can’t get hurt, but I think in order to really love to experience it at its purest form you have to love and be loved.
I know this is the situation I have putt my self in; I love because I don’t want to be lonely, and at the same time incase I meet someone, I cant love them because I’m already loving another... I would probable deny those feelings; but now that I’m acknowledging what I’m doing o wont do it or I will try not to at least.
But still its not like I’m in any situation that I need to think about such things.. so untill them I’m loving on a one way situation. To an unknowing male whom id like to think won’t ever get the hint, just so I know my bare heart wont bleed.
At an interesting view the love is fading. Maybe this is a sign of maturity. It could be that I’m so at peace with being alone there’s no point in longing for something that will never happen. This change has left me in a delicate state. Like an old white lace napkin, the slightest touch can turn me yellow; but if handled correctly can last for ever with out any imperfections added.
AND SO, I'M LEVEING YOU WITH THE MOOD; THIRSTY... I NEED A NEW TAST IN MY MOUTH, SOMETHING NEW, TO ABSORD INTO MY BODY.
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[October 14th, 2004
9:57am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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Interesting, it may not be scene; to the most none normal person. But as a common, Normal, unextraordinary girl.... there always seems to be this extraordinary longing. in the simplest of task the slight smile makes me happy. a long over due need to help people; this passion has driven me to hire ground. Is it such a hard thing to smile at a stranger or help some one you don’t know. this is just an act of gratitude, while most ordinary people are stuck in there shells (I’m not saying its a bad thing) perhaps another ordinary person such as my self should approach them creating for one moment something extrodnary making that other person feel comfort gives a gratification of un-selfishness, although at the same time i am doing it to get gratification to feel a worthy citizen, but is that such a bad thing?
Is it wrong to get a sense of self accomplishment from helping a complete stranger; seeing them smile in delight and relief, making friends with someone whom may have none? This is not done out of pity but because if it was not dome one would feel horrible about them leaving knowing they could have done something. After all you never know that person just might end up saving you. Maybe me saving or helping someone is just an unknown way of them saving me..
my one question that i find many people dont understand, is , why not just be polite?
Hospitality is one of the grates gifts someone can give so why dont people give it?
IS IT SO HARD????
to be not selfish to a friend or stranger you may chuse your pick or both , is it so hard to smile and be polite?
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[October 12th, 2004
5:51pm] |
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[October 7th, 2004
11:03pm] |
there is a condition going around it always hits my friends and not me for once it infected me but at the rong time..... its not something that you can spred , some people say its just something hat happened but i think you make it happen. if you dont want it you dont have do have it. but like a cancer its very hard to kill. for this is something that sould be shared and not to be given only to one person at a time.once you have it you dont know if it will ever go away.
and jelouse me of the people that have it as a hole and not only just half ass.
my first expereance of it and i cant expreance it, in the best form. incomplet
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cara122's journal
crazy
